Gone, Baby, Gone

[countpuckula]

Still high on the Sectionals win, Puck was in a great mood the next day when he strolled into Shelby’s apartment building. Their little fight was in the past now, and he was ready to look to the future... though if that future happened to hold some awesome make-up sex then who was he to argue?

Whistling “Man in the Mirror” as he took the stairs two at a time, he stopped just outside her door to smooth back his mohawk and hide the bouquet of flowers he’d gotten her (possibly by illegally picking them from someone’s garden on the way) behind his back, he raised his hand and knocked. Even the knocking sounded jaunty.

Today was his day, he could just feel it. Everything was finally looking up, and there was nothing that could bring him down.

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[ineedapplause]

It was a few moments before the door was opened and when Shelby saw that it was Puck her face visably fell and then hardened the tiniest bit.

"Puck, now isn't a good time," she said, wiping her hands on her jeans. She wasn't really ready to have this conversation, though she knew she was going to have to soon.

There was the sound of a crash behind her and she spun around, cursing under her breath as she moved away from the door to pick up a box of books that had tumbled over. In the corner Beth watched her curiously from her play pen.

[countpuckula]

When Shelby opened the door, Puck gave her his best sexy grin and come hither eyes. Shockingly she didn’t melt into a puddle at his feet or pull him inside to start tearing his clothes off. In fact she looked down right unhappy to see him. Damn, was she still on about that whole ‘it was a mistake’ business, even after his awesome performance at Sectionals last night? Or maybe...

“Just because your girls didn’t win doesn’t mean you weren’t like a great coach or anything,” he tried to reassure her, because women seemed to like that sort of thing. They liked when men were sensitive and sympathetic.

Then he heard the crash behind and for a second his heart leapt into his throat, but it wasn’t Beth, his little girl was perfectly fine and content. Not waiting for an invitation, Puck followed Shelby inside and shut the door behind her. Only once he’d gotten a few steps into the room did he notice all the boxes.

“Are you having a yard sale?” he asked, looking around at the mess. “My mom does that every year, gets rid of everything we’re not really using anymore... though sometimes she tries to get rid of stuff I still use, like my old game systems and stuff.”

And his action figures, but mentioning that wasn’t going to help his “I’m mature enough to be in a relationship with you” argument. In hindsight he probably shouldn’t have mentioned the video games either.

[ineedapplause]

Shelby gave a small little laugh and shook her head at his comment about her girls. "My girls should've won," she said, voicing what she'd been thinking for the last couple of days. She started piling the books up on the couch. "But it doesn't matter, this is probably for the best anyway."

She glanced up at him when he asked if she was having a yard sale, the tiniest bit of guilt flashing over her face. For a split second she almost looked like Rachel and then it was gone, replaced with the life hardened vocal coach. "No," she said, putting one more book on the pile. She straightened up and turned towards him. "I'm moving."

[countpuckula]

Despite knowing that Shelby was upset about the loss, and wanting to comfort her, Puck couldn’t help but bristle as she claimed that the Troubletones should have won, because to him it wasn’t just saying that they should have won but that they should have beat New Directions, and that New Directions should have lost. So not cool. They had won, fair and square, and they had deserved that win. They had worked their asses off with the singing and especially the choreography, and they had managed to win even without Rachel. That meant something.

“Whatever,” he grumbled, managing to hold his tongue with just that. No point arguing with her, but he definitely agreed it was for the best. Now maybe Mercedes and Santana would stop walking around like they were some sort of gift to music and that they were better than the rest of them.

Anyway, the bottom line was the the New Directions had won because they had been better, and now he was here to prove that he could be everything Shelby wanted and that their affair wasn’t a mistake, so he shouldn’t start it off by arguing with or insulting her. Instead, he should start with the flowers and...

“Moving?” For a moment he forgot about the flowers and let let his hand drop, the bouquet still clutched in it, to his side. Once again he looked at all the boxes, then at Beth who gurgled happily at him, then back to Shelby. Why did he suddenly feel like the ground was unsteady and his stomach was churning? “You buy a house or something? I can help, you know. I’m good at lugging the heavy stuff.”

[ineedapplause]

Shelby closed her eyes briefly at the appearance of the flowers from behind his back, noting that they looked like Mrs. Pine's from down the block.

"Puck," she said, looking up at him. She straightened up, making a concentrated effort not to cross her hands over her chest like she wanted to. Not because she was angry, but because she didn't want to seem the least bit vulnerable. "I think you should sit down."

Beth talked excitedly from the corner and for a split second, even though Shelby was in the middle of breaking a high school boy's heart, she couldn't help but smile at her perfect, baby daughter. Beth was immune to how much being an adult sucked. At least for now.

She looked back at Puck. "We need to talk about some things."

[countpuckula]

Oh no, this wasn’t good. No good conversation started with ‘I think you should sit down’. That was always a sign of something really bad coming, but even worse than that, it was followed by ‘we need to talk’ which is the one thing a guy never wants to hear. Of course there were many ways that sentence could go, everywhere from “I’m seeing someone else” to “I’m pregnant”, but considering the boxes and the statement that she was moving, even someone who was a bit slow on the uptake could see where this is going.

Well if she wanted to talk, then fine, they would talk but he was going to get the first word in and like hell he was going to sit.

“So, what, your group loses so you just up and quit?” Puck accused her, his earlier confusion melting into irritation. “Aren’t you supposed to be the mature one here?”

[ineedapplause]

If Shelby was thrown by this statement she didn't show it. Instead she was watching Puck carefully. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"This isn't about the Troubletones or New Directions," she says levelly. "This is about me and you."

For the first time she looks away from him and down at the couch. "I made a mistake," she says slowly. It's not easy for Shelby Cochoran to admit, but there it is. It's not as if she can really deny it. She knew it was a mistake from the moment she'd woken up with a high school senior lying in her bed, even if he was the father of her baby. The fact that Rachel had confronted her about their tryst had only confirmed what she had tried to tell herself would blow over.

This was something that she couldn't come back from and the truth was, it was easier to leave than to face the consequences. She never should've come back to Lima. Never should've brought Beth here. Never should've let Noah Puckerman get so close.

"I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong idea," she says, looking back up at him and meeting his eyes. "I never should've let things go as far as they did."

[countpuckula]

There it was again, ‘a mistake’; Puck was so sick of hearing that. All his life, all he had ever been was a mistake, his very existence was a mistake. His parents had been too young, but then he’d come along so they’d tried to make a go of it. He had been a mistake, and so was their marriage because of it. Quinn had made a mistake by having sex with him, Rachel had made a mistake in dating him to try to replace Finn. He was always just a mistake, everyone’s second choice, something to use to make people feel better about themselves, or to make others jealous, and damn it if he wasn’t sick of it.

“No, you do not get to write us off that easy,” he responded forcefully, throwing the flowers into the chair she had gestured to earlier. “You needed me and I was there and I was freaking awesome. Beth needs a dad, she needs me. What’s so wrong about any of that?”


[ineedapplause]

She didn't wince when he threw the flowers down on the couch, but her fingers did tighten slightly at her side. "There is no us, Puck," she said, fighting the urge to step towards him. She felt herself wanting to touch him to reassure him, but she knew that would only lead to other things.

"You were awesome," she said slowly. "And you were there and I took advantage of that. I took advantage of you because I felt lonely and I was upset. I never..." She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I'm sorry for that. I never should've let it happen."

She pressed her lips together and regarded him. "What Beth needs is a mother who is capable of handling things on her own. I shouldn't have leaned on you the way I did. It wasn't fair to you."

[countpuckula]

The more Shelby apologised and tried to explain it all away the angrier Puck got. She was just making excuses! There was more to this than her just feeling lonely, there had to be! There certainly was for him.

“Why are you so hell bent that you have to do this on your own?” he shouted back, throwing his hands up. “You don’t! I’m here! You can lean on me all you want, I want to help!”

For a moment he had forgotten they weren’t alone, but behind him he could hear Beth start to cry. He was being too loud, to angry, and it was upsetting her. Turning to his daughter, Puck walked over and picked her up, holding her close and bouncing her gently. “C’mere, baby girl,” he said soothingly. “Shh, I know, daddy got a little loud, didn’t he?”

[ineedapplause]

"Puck," Shelby said, her tone tense and hard when he raised his voice and Beth started to cry. She tensed as he picked up her daughter, an irrational part of her panicking for a moment before he spoke in such a gentle tone.

Puck was not Quinn, she reminded herself as she watched him try to calm Beth down. Still, he was not going to go easily, she could see that now even though she thought she should've seen it from the beginning.

She fought the urge to take Beth from him, instead moving between him and the door, under the guise of getting Beth a cookie. She handed it to him, her movements still a little tense and over controlled.

"I know you want to help," she said, keeping her voice calm and level. "You have. But I do have to do this on my own and it's unfair for me to lean on you. Whether you realize it or not." She swallowed and let out a deep breath. "I found a job in Cleveland and a house. We're moving next week."

[countpuckula]

Taking the cookie, Puck held it in his hand and smiled fondly at his daughter as her tiny hands gripped his so she could get the treat. He tried to focus on her, on her beautiful eyes and her tiny fingers and the way she was happily drooling as she ate because if he didn’t he was going to lose it. This conversation was going in circles and it was really starting to piss him off. He wanted to be there but Shelby was so damn stubborn. Besides all that, more than all that, it was starting to sink in that maybe she didn’t want him. She didn’t want him taking care of her baby.

Closing his eyes he pushed that thought away, not ready to deal with it, not yet.

“Cleveland’s not that far. I can still come see her. We can make this work,” he said, but the edge was fading from his voice. He was losing. No matter what he said, he was losing.

[ineedapplause]

"There's nothing to make work," Shelby said, her eyes moving up to his face and reading him seriously. "Puck, I took advantage of you." She paused, her tone firm. "I used you and it was wrong. You deserve better."

She sighed. "We can make arrangements for you to visit Beth, but I think we need to plan them carefully so that we don't confuse her. I was wrong to come here. I should've thought about what was best for her and I didn't. I was only thinking about myself."

There. She didn't really know if she could be any more direct or painfully honest that that. She hadn't exactly been a good mother lately. Or a good teacher.

She'd seen the money and she'd taken it. She'd told herself it was so Beth could get to know her parents too, but that had been a mistake. There were too many variables here in Lima.

[countpuckula]

Puck listened as Shelby spoke, as much as he didn’t want to. He listened, but more than that he actually heard her. She really meant it, or at least she thought she meant it. If nothing else she had convinced herself that they couldn’t be together. But that wasn’t what really hit him hard.

I used you.

She had used him, just like Quinn had used him, like Rachel had used him. He had been good enough to make Quinn feel pretty but not good enough to be the father of her baby. He had been a good substitute for Rachel, someone she could use to make Finn jealous but never anything more. And now Shelby had used him... and for what? To feel young? to feel sexy? Because she wasn’t ready to do this on her own?

“So why did you come back, huh?” he asked bitingly, his face hardening. “Looking for a free babysitter?” Holding Beth a little tigher, Puck gently ran a hand back over her head, smoothing back her feathery soft hair.

[ineedapplause]

"Because Mr. Motta tripled my salary," she shot back, being careful to keep her expression unreadable as she watched him touch Beth. "Because I thought maybe I should give Lima another shot." She stepped forwarc, reaching out and touching Beth's arm.

"Because I wasn't thinking about the kind of consequences it would have for you and Quinn. It sounded like a good idea at the time."

Sleeping with Puck fell under that category too, but she didn't really think she needed to say that. She cleared her throat and looked up at him. "Maybe you can come visit during your Spring Break."

[countpuckula]

Money. It had all been about the money. He should have known, should have seen it coming, but it still managed to blindside him. Unable to even look at her anymore, he dropped his eyes to Beth. She was so beautiful, this little piece of him that was so innocent. She had no idea what was going on around her, no clue just how much his heart was breaking right now.

She didn’t know how much this was about to hurt him.

“You know what? Forget about it,” he said suddenly. It was the same attitude he’d used after they had slept together and she’d tried to let him down then. It was easier to be angry, easier to put up his walls and pretend that none of it really mattered, that it didn’t affect him. He wouldn’t let her see how much his heart was breaking, how much this whole thing was tearing him apart. He wanted to kiss his daughter and promise her he’d see her soon but it would be too hard. If he was going to get through this he had to embrace the anger and let it consume him. So instead he just pushed Beth off into Shelby’s arms without another look.

“Obviously I’m not good enough for you or her, so why bother?” he was already heading for the door. “Just don’t come crying to me the next time you screw up and need someone to fix it all.”

[ineedapplause]

"Puck!" Shelby snapped, as he handed Beth back to her abruptly and unexpectedly. She had never actually imagined this reaction from him in the times that she'd played this moment out in her head. Certainly not him walking away from Beth.

Beth started crying the moment she was back in Shelby's arms and she stepped after him to the door. "Don't leave it like this," she called after him. When her words didn't seem to have an effect on him she tried again. "Puck! This isn't the last memory I want her to have of you!"

She didn't want Beth to feel about Puck the way Rachel did about her, that she'd abandoned her. It hadn't been that simple and neither was this. She knew he was hurting and angry and it had nothing to do with his daughter. "Puck, please."

[countpuckula]

He was determined to just walk away and never look back, and he even made it out into the hallway before Shelby’s words stopped him. Clenching his hands into fist, his back still to her, he squeezed his eyes tightly closed and lowered his head.

What did she know about last memories? He’d had his father walk out on him, he knew what it could do to a kid. It was something he had never gotten over, but it had been different for him. His father had been around at first, and Puck had had to watch his parent’s marriage deteriorate, had had to listen to all the insults that were thrown at his mother, his sister and himself.

“You’re the one doing this to her, not me,” he said coldly. Every cry that Beth made pierced through his heart until he could feel tears burning in his own eyes. He wanted so badly to comfort her, to take her in his arms and tell her he would always be there for her, that he would never leave her... but it was all lies. He knew how this thing worked. For a few months, maybe even a year or two he would visit and he would see his baby girl, but each and every time it would get more difficult to leave her until the day when Shelby finally found someone to be with her and help raise Beth. Then where would that leave Puck? Beth would have a new daddy, one who was always around and her her mommy loved, and Puck would just be in the way.

No, he couldn’t do that. It was all or nothing, and Shelby’s words confirmed which one it was. ‘The last memory’, she said. She had already decided.

For one moment he looked back, and just seeing the tears streaming down his sweet, innocent daughter’s face tore him apart. Turning away again quickly he shook his head.

“She’s too young to remember me now,” he said before forcing his feet to move forward again. It was his last memory of her that was going to be the problem.